Archive for October, 2009

at wits end…

I cannot win…I cannot fucking win and it’s so frustrating.

God…this blog is here for my rants, my rambles…I made it so I could keep myself accountable, both in terms of poker and life goals.

I am failing so hardcore in poker right now, it’s not even funny…I’m down probably 60 or 70 buyins during this time period, starting with my -50 buyin downer at PLO and finishing at NLHE.

The cards suck. My play sucks…everything is just going wrong, and it’s so damn frustrating. This game is so fucking frustrating at times and I just need to vent…people always chirp “OH, I WISH I COULD GET PAID SITTING ON MY COMPUTER IN THE MORNING!!”

well, guess what bitch…it’s a fucking retarded, stressful, annoying, difficult game to play, and the fact that you LOSE money (at times) is queer…no steady paycheck sucks ass, and be lucky that no matter what you do during work, you’ll always see that fucking check.

god i’m pissed right now. When I’m in a downer, I like to think about the HSNL nosebleed players (or even other successful poker friends)…I’m sure there have been point(s) in their illustrious careers when they felt as if they’ve hit rock bottom, when they are down in the dumps and feel like they cannot win. I’m sure that many of my successful poker friends have felt similar feelings as well- there’s always a bottom. But they found it in them to grind it out, to improve their play, to figure out the problem, and to bounce back…I’m sure there was many a night when a 10/20 player (or what have you) has stared in the mirror, looking at himself, muttering “what the fuck did I just do?” (after losing a ton). But somewhere he found it in him to continue to grind, to keep at it.

And I’m hoping I can do this as well. I’m going to take a few days off and evaluate how I’m really doing at this point. On one hand, I almost refuse to cash my money out (though maybe it would be a good decision). I cannot accept that as a 4 year winning player (decent winner at that) has become a drastically losing one in the span of 3 months.

God I sound like a bitch right now…sigh. Things will turn around…or I’ll go broke and have to find a real job. Flipping burgers for $10 an hour after losing thousands in 30 minutes sounds like a step down.

Meh, I’m upset…but in the end, all it is is money. I’m going to make more of it in the future, be it through poker or by flipping burgers.

Anyways, I think I’ll be getting into some staking stuff, or other ways to get an alternate means of money. Yeah, I know I’ve been losing alot lately, but I still have (some) money to try and use. I think there’s still alot of money out there to be gained, and staking seems like a good way of branching out.

Cheers, hope you are running better than I am.

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So yesterday UF almost fucking lost to arky…UF lost their number one spot in the AP poll (which is fine with me, I think they need to wake up). They also opened today as first in the BCS computer though, which is swell. Essentially, a loss or win doesn’t change a whole lot…UF still controls its on destiny, and if they win out, they should have a good chance at the NC game.

There are numerous problems on this team. I’m not going to fill up a billion pages here, but ugh…
-UF OL sucks ass…we lost Matt Patchan, a semi-starter at LT earlier this year to an ACL tear. Thankfully, this team is fairly deep, and the guy who Patchan was playing with (Carl Johnson I think?) is starting. With that said, something just isn’t right…UF got fully owned in the trenches on both sides against arky- and while arky’s lines aren’t bad, UF shouldn’t have THAT much trouble with it.

-Turnovers- this should be obvious…UF had 4 fumbles, and Tebow was sacked 6 times. Not good at all…UF puts heavy heavy emphasis on not turning the ball over, and they obviously failed this week. Alot of those fumbles were pretty freakish, as players like Hernandez usually doesn’t put it on the ground…Obviously there is alot of variance here, but meh, I was just disappointed with the execution.

-Play calling- I don’t understand why UF is constantly calling dive plays…they average like zero yards per carry, idiotic. Especially the way the lines were going (not in our favor obv), it just confused me. I don’t understand why UF doesn’t do more sweeps, more bubble screens, etc…you can defend the coaches, but jesus…obviously the WRs aren’t fantastic, but meh.

Really, the execution just wasn’t there. I’m going to rewatch the game and see what went wrong, but I imagine it’s a combination of all those (and more). UF D played their asses off, and arky was 0-10 in 3rd down conversions at one point. Arky played pretty well offensively in previous games, and I was happy with UF’s D. J Jenkins let up two bombs and that’s disappointing, as he is one of the better corners we have. I guess I can’t really blame youth either, as he has a decent number of games under his belt. Oh well.

UF obviously needs to fix a few things. The injuries suck too, as Spikes was sidelined for most of the game as well as Trattou, the one white guy we have on Defense (who is actually very good). I still think UF has a good chance of getting to the SEC championship and playing bama, a game I plan on going to (if we make it).

Anyways, it was a weird week. Alot of teams lost, and the teams that won didn’t look fantastic. I guess at this point, I can’t really figure out who is good and who isn’t…just alot of unimpressive performances. I did call for Miami and arky to be much improved before the season started, and I think that’s a fair assessment, even though arky has a shit record. I think overall, the SEC is improved over last year, as some of the middling teams are improved (AU/Tenn/etc). I suppose I don’t want to get into ‘whos conference is best’ debate here, meh.

BCS standings this year.

Anyways…we won our flag game today, putting us at like …3-2? I’m not positive. We played well, but still have some issues offensively. We need to flip some stuff around in order to be successful.

Poker has been going alright lately, been up and down. Haven’t been playing as much as I should be though, and this 4k challenge is going to be daunting, given the number of hands I typically play monthly. I’ve been playing fairly undisciplined though, and making some pretty terrible plays/calls at times. Undisciplined poker…I need to focus more, realize what I’m doing.

Feels good to sit around, after last week’s hell finals. Hopefully I did alright.

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Been really busy with school lately…I’m glad it’s over. fucking midterms are terrible. I’ve been doing alot of thinking with regards to what I want to do in the future. I’ve been having alot of mixed thoughts on motivation and my effort level. I don’t understand why I’m so pathetic in terms of effort in so many different things. It’s almost as if if I’m happy to be mediocre in many things, even things I enjoy. This upsets me alot.

The remedy should be “okay orange, you’re a pussy, you realize your problem, do something about it”

the sad part is I don’t really care enough to go insanely 100% hard at ANYTHING really. I’m content with being ‘just okay’ at alot of things, even hobbies.

God this sounds like such an emo bitch post… I’m a pussy

Basically, I want to find a drive…I want to find something that will keep me working, something that I enjoy and go hard at. There are so many profitable opportunities out there.

I think that poker has made me think about life in a different light. Instead of reveling in astounding ignorance, I’m instead thinking about what I could be doing to either a) improve old ways or b) think about thinks in a bigger picture. For instance- Spanish…queer language, I fuckin hate it. Hate learning about it, hate practicing it, blah, whatever. But at this point in my life, I’m thinking about how profitable learning Spanish really is. Learning ANY language for that matter can be immensely profitable, as there are always going to be job opportunity out there.

Now I start thinking about how really, doing all things well and hard is going to be beneficial (no shit sherlock). How I could have tried just a little harder on x test or whatever…how my shit GPA probably won’t amount to much. As all poker players think- “How can I be more profitable? What can I do to increase my hourly, win rate, play, etc?” Alternately, I’m thinking now- “What can I do to better my life?”

All this life improvement bull shit is really emo and pussy thinking about it now. But it’s something that has been fluent in my life recently.

In an alternate sense, I’m also thinking about the big picture. On one hand, yes, improving my grades CAN be very beneficial for me.  But conversely, in the grand scheme of things, it probably doesn’t matter THAT much (at least in my life- I don’t plan on applying for Harvard Medical School anytime soon). I’m not going to be reminiscing about how I could have gotten a B+ in Psychology 30 years from now. Hell, I can’t even remember my last course grades, just that I got two Ds.

As I’ve stated in the past (and in past school work), I’ve learned to look at the big picture in life- don’t sweat the small stuff. I took a nutrition class last year (or a few years ago), did awful in it…got a D+. Rarely did my homework, just walked in and got a 40% on the final. On the outside, it looks like I didn’t learn a thing- D+ grades aren’t very good. But in reality, that class encouraged me to change my diet, to change my exercise (and I was already fairly active before that). Did that class help me? Of course…though I didn’t receive an A+ in the class, it has helped me immensely in other areas.

So at this point, I’m just trying to find a happy medium. And don’t get me wrong- my ‘medium drive’ is still probably very good, at least relatively speaking. I do decently well in classes I enjoy, and hobbies as well. But I guess I’m just looking for something to spark a Lance Armstrong-esque drive. (Not that that will ever happen).

On the same topic of school, I think it’s fucking hilarious how idiotic some chicks are with regards to school…chicks flip shit and freak out over the stupidest shit…I remember this chick was having a near panic attack because she didn’t do well on a 5 point quiz…my god…retarded.

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Some Updates

Sorry for lack of updates, I’ve been super busy lately…fucking school has been hell, and I’ve gone through all my midterms this week.

I’m doing pretty piss poor, just looking to pass though. Just need to get my degree, that’s really my number one goal right now. Spanish has been going terribly…not really overwhelmingly hard, just every fucking day…my days are much longer now that I have to get up at 8:30 (something I haven’t done since Sophomore year).

Poker has been going pretty poorly. I’ve decided that I’m moving down to 100nl/100PLO to regain confidence. I have a prop bet with a friend (who is in the midst of a large downer himself) that I have to play 100PLO/100NLHE until I make $4k. He has to play 1/2 NLHU and 1/2 PLO until he makes $20k (lol) before his challenge is ended.

This prop is good…it’s going to teach me to be disciplined, and going to enable me to refind my game (hopefully). Once I’m out of school, I’ll have alot more opportunity to play more. Though I admit I’ll never be a super grinder like some of my friends.

This downer has allowed me to take a new perspective…it shows me that I’m going to need to start thinking about post-college plans. My initial plan was just to play poker for a few years, see the world, live the good life. But when you’re losing a ticket to Zimbabwe every time you sit at the table, you need to rethink your plans.For the first time in a few years, I actually have to think about some money, which is a scary thing. (And I’m not trying to brag, not trying to boast…I’m very poor compared to alot of my friends). I’m scared of going into the ‘real world’, working a ‘real job’, the whole 9-5 deal. It’s scary…I love the freedom of being semi-professional at poker, being able to wake up late and having the flexibility to do what I want, when I want.

I’m not as good as my friends. I’m not as dedicated, I’m not as disciplined, I’m not as motivated. I need to fix some things in order to maintain this lifestyle I enjoy. How ironic that I wrote a post on the evolution of a poker player, and how I find myself in the same place as some of the stages I posted on earlier. (I see that I didn’t link it here, but it’s on my older blog…not quite the evolution of a poker player, but the life cycle…I’ll add it after this post). Losing like this is just evolution- adapt or die. There’s going to come a time when I can’t beat the games…I’ve accepted this. Poker has already been getting harder as a whole the past few years. The game is just alot more studied, and players aren’t making as many mistakes.

Even still, it’s interesting to note one’ s growth. I listened to my DC ghost video, filmed about a year and a half ago…I can see that I’ve grown as a player as well, despite not clearly knowing how. I must admit that I’ve been lazy in my poker study and discussion, but even still, you learn in subtle ways…you learn in innate circumstances, be it picking up a strategy from one hand, or watching PA shove 300k as a bluff. Innate learning is fairly interesting to me and I think I (and all of us) are products of such. (Though those thoughts could be here for another time).

Do I feel as if I can beat my opponents, the relative opponent at 1/2 or .5/1? Yes, I do. Can I prove it? I guess we’ll see.I think I’m going to take a slight break from PLO, and rethink about some things. I haven’t been playing well lately in that game, and have been getting it in quite bad.

In other news, we won our Omaha flag game, putting us at 2-2. Our opponent sucked ass, they were some old dudes and weren’t in the same class athletically as we were. We held them scoreless and won by 30-40 points (I can’t recall).We have our Lincoln flag game tonight, looking forward to it.

What else? I don’t think I’m going to accomplish my climbing goal…I beat a 5.10, but I don’t really think it was truly a 5.10. I haven’t been in a while (maybe a week?) due to being busy with school and other stuff. Florida football has been going awesome, we’re 5-0. I plan on going to the SEC championship game as well as our bowl game (whatever that may be). Hopefully it’s in Pasadena.

I leave you with this-


lifespan of a poker player

reposted here-

a few weeks ago, i wrote a small thing on ‘the evolution of a poker player’. while i may or may not be correct in my assumptions, i’d like to also discuss the life of a poker player. not necessarily what an average poker player does during the day, but more the lifespan of his career choice.

a poker player’s lifespan (or however long he can beat the game) takes on various courses and stages. many do not (and can not) taste success in poker (where success = varying degrees of money). many don’t make it past the first early stages where it is a hobby and pasttime, something for enjoyment.

for those beginning a serious approach to poker (reading/discussing/etc), their money is won by taking $ from the fish and other weaker players- poker is predicated on beating those weaker than yourself (through a variety of fashions). some of these fashions include tilt control, game selection, just being flat out better than your opponent, or hundreds of other factors that make up poker. many learn the game to a degree where they are just solid tighter players who have the PF stats down but not much else. those that 10 table eaking out a 1ptbb/100 win monthly and whom are labeled ‘tagfish’ by their peers. rakeback pros ftw.

a player’s skill changes with the games (obviously). back in 2005, all you needed was a decent preflop hand selection and to know when to get it in with TPTK. as the games evolve, so do the players. NLHE is obviously a much more studied game than it was in previous years. people are 3-betting light even at the 10NL games, something unheard of a few years ago.

a player’s lifespan in poker is dependent on how many opponents he can beat (and how effective thereof). many winners in past years are struggling to beat todays games. this could be for many reasons, if not for the sole reason of TAGs being better on all levels. some find themselves unable to beat todays games and forced to move down in limits. and then, finallly, when this player is either bored or unable to compete, he stops and moves onto other things (or continues to lose money).

im not sure when poker will ‘dry up’. there are obviously hundreds and thousands of microstakes games. this game is still obviously very popular. maybe it’ll catch fire in asia or something.

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